Health & Wellness Lifestyle Self Development Self-Care

Setting Healthy Personal Boundaries

by on October 10, 2020
Photo Credit: Styled Stock Society

With all the various demands of life, setting healthy personal boundaries can be difficult. Setting healthy personal boundaries is a personal topic of interest for me as I am very sensitive to the need for my personal space. When I have not clearly defined what my personal boundaries are, nor clearly and assertively communicated these boundaries to other people, I tend to start experiencing emotional exhaustion and resentment.

There’s a lot of information out there on the web and books related to personal boundaries. I pulled from multiple sources and added some of my own thoughts to help in writing this blog. One common definition on personal boundaries is below. This one is from an article on medium.com:

Personal boundaries are “the guidelines, rules or limits that we create to identify reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave towards us.”

medium.com

This blog post will cover common types of boundary areas: emotional, proximal, social and relationships, and work.

Types of Boundary Areas

Emotional Boundaries

It is easy to let our emotional boundaries become overstepped because we want to be compassionate and empathetic to others. I read in a Lerner Center for Public Health Promotion brief that “if you’re constantly putting others’ emotional needs before your own but think this is what you’re supposed to do to be a compassionate/empathetic person, then you might feel confused, frustrated, exhausted, and resentful.” (Lee, 2020). 1

Unhealthy emotional boundaries can take many forms, such as: saying yes when we mean no or neglecting our own emotional needs over others. But this can become unhealthy and toxic very easily. Sometimes we may think that we should feel empathy and compassion for everything and everyone because it feels like the right thing to do. But this can be damaging on our own emotional health.

Proximal Boundaries and our Physical Spaces

Experts note that there are “zones” for different groups of people in our lives: a zone of intimacy for more intimate and immediate family, a social zone for acquaintances, coworkers, etc. and a public zone for large groups of people. Within the current pandemic of the coronavirus, we are aware of “social distancing.” But the quote below also gives an understanding of spatial limitations between others and different areas of comfort zones:

“According to one theory, friends, spouses, lovers, parents, and children tend to stand inside a sort of “zone of intimacy,” or within arm’s reach. A “personal zone” (about four feet) is for conversation with acquaintances and strangers. There is a still larger “social zone,” and a “public zone” of 25 feet or more, reserved for public figures on formal occasions” (Mind and Emotions, 1992). 2

In our own physical spaces, it is important to have our own private places to be alone, think, be creative, and reset. Also, some people are now experiencing challenges with personal space as more people are at home together more often when usually they are away at school or work during the day. Although more difficult to do, it is still important to set aside these spaces.

Social and Relationships

It can be hard to set boundaries in our personal relationships. However, setting healthy personal boundaries in our relationships is vital to assertively and clearly state those boundaries.

In the book, Mind and Emotions: A universal treatment for emotional disorders, the authors state “the problem with ignoring or suppressing your feelings and not asking for what you really want in relationships is that sooner or later your true feelings are likely to show up in ways that can damage relationships.” 3

In all areas of our lives, knowing what to say yes or no to is an important skill when it comes to setting healthy personal boundaries. To help be able to discern when to say yes or no, I found Greg McKeown’s book, “Essentialism” to be helpful. By deeming what is “essential” versus “nonessential,” we can weed out things in our life that are not important.

McKeown writes that then we can “invest in the right activities” –  the ones that are essential for us. McKeown also writes that saying no “means pushing against social expectations. To do it well takes courage and compassion. So eliminating the nonessentials isn’t just about mental discipline. It’s about the emotional discipline necessary to say no to social pressure.” 4

It is okay to be open to opportunities, however, saying ‘yes’ when you feel like saying ‘no’ can be a detriment to your own personal boundaries and can lead to increased anxiety and resentment.

Boundaries at Work

It is vital to have boundaries in the workplace to maintain a healthy balance and avoid overwhelm and burnout. Sometimes we feel that in order to succeed at work or to get bonus points with the boss, we need to say yes to everything. That simply is not true. Saying yes to helping a coworker out can derail you from your own priorities and could inevitably lead to increased work-related anxiety, stress and resentment.

Defining Personal Boundaries

So, how do we define our personal boundaries? Well, we can start with what makes us feel good. What does it feel like when you are practicing self-care?

We can also gain an understanding what our own personal boundaries are by listening to our emotional and physical responses. What causes discomfort or tension in your body? What sparks feelings of anger or resentment? From there, you can determine your own boundary rules and then put those rules into practice.

Think about what your personal boundaries might look like for you. Write them down. Your answers will determine your guidelines, rules and limits. As an example, here is how I define some of my own guidelines:

  • Emotional – It is not my job to be your emotional support person. You need to work it out on your own in order to grow.
  • Proximal – I know how much space and time I need for myself and I communicate it well. Others need to respect my need for personal space and time for solitude, self-care, and replenishment.
  • Social – I will only go to social gatherings when I feel like it and it is okay for me to say no. I feel no sense of obligation and that is okay.
  • Work – Do not call me or text me for non-urgent work matters after 5:00 pm or on the weekend. Mostly everything can wait. Don’t expect me to respond.

Now, we may know what our own limits are. However, other people have their own definitions and rules of what boundaries are that may conflict with your own. So, it is necessary to clearly and assertively communicate what your personal boundaries are to others and to continuously reinforce them.

Healthy Boundary Ideas – How to Care For and Protect our Personal Boundaries

Photo Credit: Styled Stock Society

Now that you defined your boundary rules, think about how you will care for them and what it looks like to set healthy personal boundaries in each area. Below are some examples to get you started.

Emotional Boundaries

Tend to your own emotional needs first

Many people use the analogy of putting on your own oxygen mask first during an emergency situation on a flight before assisting anyone else – and with good point. You’re of no use to yourself or others if you do not take care of yourself first. Therefore, make sure you are giving yourself what you need through self-care before anything else – put on that oxygen mask. This way you will be stronger and well enough to be able to first, help yourself, and then to help others more effectively.

Know your emotional responses

Take notice of trigger areas and how you respond. Emotional triggers can take the form of unpleasant sensations or tension in your body, anger, outbursts, internalizing, low energy levels, and more. M.K. Lee says this well in the Lerner Center for Public Health Promotion brief:

“Cultivating awareness of your emotional responses and energy levels will help you learn and solidify your personal boundaries. This will take time but choosing when and for whom to expend your emotional energy will prevent emotional fatigue and burnout, and likely boost your energy levels, happiness, and quality of your relationships.” 5

Lee, M.K., Lerner Center For Public Health Promotion, 2020

Know that you are in control of how you feel

We’ve heard it before. Nobody controls how you feel but yourself. When we feel controlled by external sources, we are handing over our control. When we change our perception that we choose how we feel. Then we begin to be in control our feelings.

Proximal (physical) boundaries:

Create your own space

Set aside a certain space in your home that is yours that you go to when you need to be alone. If you live in a cramped household, and find it difficult, think of ways you can create a space where you can retreat to be alone. Some ideas could be your bedroom, office, a nook in the closet, or a private corner divided by a shoji screen. There have been times when I used a walk-in closet when I needed alone time. I would shut the door, get cozy, write, read, or just think and replenish to myself.

Calendar time aside

This could be as simple as letting your household know that when you are finished work for the day at 5:00 pm, you will retreat to your room with the door closed for 30 minutes to replenish. At that time, you will be available to them. It could also mean blocking time in your calendar during the day to do things for you.

Take a mini solo getaway

Maybe you are too busy or cannot afford to spoil yourself with such an excursion. I’m here to tell you that it is well worth the expense and time if it is something you feel you definitely would benefit from. It also does not have to break the bank – even just a 3-day weekend somewhere local can be helpful.

State clearly what your needs are and be assertive.

Communicating assertively your needs is essential. For lasting effects, be consistent in reminding others, and practice following through.

Relationships and Social Boundaries

Learn how to say no

First and foremost, know that “when someone makes a request, and you don’t want to do what they ask, you have a right to say no,” state the authors of Mind and Emotions. 6 Just because someone asks you to do something doesn’t mean you have to do it. If you’re not feeling it, are busy, or for any other reason, it’s okay to say no. We are constructed to feel guilty for saying no, but let’s change that mindset right now! For now on, pay attention to when your gut tells you to say ‘no’ and trust it.

Trust your gut

If someone asks you to do something, ask yourself “what do I really want?” This is your gut/intuition speaking. If your answer is something different than what you are being asked, then saying no will be the answer. For example, if my boss asks me to work on the weekend, but I need the weekend to de-stress and get some much-needed self-care, my initial reaction would be to say ‘no.’ If I second guess it, I must remember to listen to my gut – which is to say no.

Next, I would utilize the two-steps to saying no described in the book Mind and Emotions. To say no effectively and assertively, one must first, “validate the other person’s feelings, thoughts, or opinions,” and second, “state your preference.” 7 So, in the case with my boss, it could look something like this:

  1. Validate the other persons feelings, thoughts, or opinions: “I realize the need to get this project completed”
  2. State your preference (healthy boundaries): “Unfortunately, I have other things planned and will not be able to work this weekend.”

Try to remember that you do not need to provide an excuse as to why you are saying no. In my opinion, they do not need to know why. Basically, keep it short and simple. This will help create a less resistant response from the other person.

Leave it at that. There may be some pushback. However, the key is be concise, assertive, and to stick your ground. If your boss continues to push, you can also come up with a compromise so that it is a win/win. To do this, you can suggest that you will make the project a priority on Monday and will work later if needed to get it done. This scenario, to me, would prove more productive and lead to less burnout because you got your much-needed rest and replenishment over the weekend.

Spend less time on social media and the news

Constant intake of media is a type of social pressure that can be toxic on our emotions if we do not use it wisely. Here are some pointers to practicing boundaries with the media:

  • Set short, specific amounts of time for social media intake.
  • Stop reading or engaging in the comments on social media.
  • Catch up on the news for a brief period of time (5-10 minutes) then turn it off.
  • Make note of anything you want to know more about. Later, go back and read or watch under your own terms.
  • Choose intelligent and reputable sources to get your news.

Boundaries at work

  • Specify specific work hours when you are “on the clock” and available. All other times are off-limits.
  • Chunk off times on your calendar when you are busy and not available (such as when you need to make an important deadline and cannot be disturbed.)
  • Likewise, verbally let coworkers know when you are under deadlines and are unavailable.
  • Know what you need to respond to immediately and what can wait.
  • Let people know realistic time frames on when you can get an assignment done. Ask for clarification when given a vague deadline.
  • Create time in the beginning of the day (or later) when you will not be disturbed to get your most important tasks done. (Remember to chunk this time in your calendar as unavailable.)
  • Be proactive and plan ahead.
  • Know what your priorities are and say no to or delegate things that are not your priority.

Take Action

Now, if you haven’t already, define your own rules and guidelines to setting healthy personal boundaries. From there, identify and start practicing boundary setting techniques that fit those guidelines. This will help you gain more control of your life and give you space to replenish your energies and allow room for self-growth.

Also, to delve deeper in your own self-reflection practice, check out my self-reflection series here.

As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases. This post contains Amazon and/or other affiliate links which will reward me monetarily or otherwise when you use them to make qualifying purchases. This means that I will earn a small commission if you decide to make a purchase through my links.

Additional Reading on Setting Healthy Boundaries

  • If you are struggling with unhealthy boundaries that are affecting your own self-care, watch this Tedx Talk: (2015, December 17). Good boundaries free you by Sarri Gilman: https://youtu.be/rtsHUeKnkC8
  • Brene Brown defines boundaries as “What is okay and what is not okay,” and how empathy and compassion fits within boundaries: Murphy, M. (2019, June 16). Boundaries with Brene Brown: https://youtu.be/5U3VcgUzqiI

Sage

References

  1. Lee, M.K. (2020). This world is exhausting, don’t let it exhaust you: setting emotional boundaries to prevent fatigue. Lerner Center For Public Health Promotion, (28). Retrieved from: https://lernercenter.syr.edu/2020/06/09/ib-28/
  2. Padus, E. (1992). The complete guide to your emotions and health. (Revised Ed., pp. 231-232). Emmaus, PA: Rodale Press, Inc.
  3. McKay, M., Fanning, P., & Zurita Ona, P. (2011). Mind and Emotions: A universal treatment for emotional disorders. (pp. 130). Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
  4. McKeown, G. (2014). Essentialism: the disciplined pursuit of less. (pp. 9, 18). New York, NY: Crown Publishing Group.
  5. Lee, M.K. (2020). This world is exhausting, don’t let it exhaust you: setting emotional boundaries to prevent fatigue. Lerner Center For Public Health Promotion, (28). Retrieved from: https://lernercenter.syr.edu/2020/06/09/ib-28/
  6. McKay, M., Fanning, P., & Zurita Ona, P. (2011). Mind and Emotions: A universal treatment for emotional disorders. (pp. 133). Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
  7. McKay, M., Fanning, P., & Zurita Ona, P. (2011). Mind and Emotions: A universal treatment for emotional disorders. (pp. 133). Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
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